Saturday, September 21, 2013

Jina Park/ Tuesday 1 p.m/ Beakdoo Mountain trail

 

I had a trip when I was a the fifth grade primary school student. There were 12 students and 4 teachers in my memory. We traveled by train for 11 hours, we played card games, ate snacks and telled funny stories. Even though 11 hours were too long to seat we were very happy.

When we arrived our pension we all laid down exhausted. In the earily morning next day, we went to the Beakdoo Mountain. There was a hot well in the hillside which selled soft boiled eggs and poached corns boiled by the hot well. It was very intersting and many of us bought eggs and corns. It tasted more soft and delicious than we uauslly eat. 

On the way up the mountain was consist of lots of steps in the stone cavern. We started hiking step by step after ate. The steps were too high to primary students but we very hard to climb. After a while there appeared a fall. It was wonderful and it was the first time I saw a fall. We were all standing there and gaping at the fall. It liked smoke fog rised up slowly and we liked in Wonderland. Everybody took out camera to took pictures with the lovely fall and boast of pictures each other.

Then we finished the hiking of steps and the show in front of us was Chonjee Lack. The water clear bottomed out and very quiet. We drank the water of the lack, it was so cool and sweety. My teacher pointed the statue and said to us " There is a water monster in Chonjee Lack so people made the statue." " Oh! It will ate us." said Mina. "Hahahaha."

It was August but there also had snow covered the mountains. It was interesting. We bought many keepsakes for our parents, together the group photo then we went down to the zoo. We sat in a car and saw the amimals. There were tigers, giraffes, bears, lions and etc. And we watched a monkey show. 

We played games in the pasion when we went back. Then we had dinner and went to bed.

나의 LG 스마트폰에서 보냄

 

5 comments:

  1. I think I should improve my writing.
    Jina Park

    ReplyDelete
  2. To: Jina Park
    From: Wonpil Lee
    Assignment: Baekdu Mountain Trail

    1. What I like about this piece of writing is frank and clear expressions. Your words are not vague, so it is easy to understand your thought and experience.

    2. Your main point seems to be a happy memory of your primary school days.

    3. I like the section of the description where you and your friends climbed up the mountain and enjoy the beautiful landscape because I have a similar experience and can easily imagine the scene.

    4. This piece of writing could be improved if you spaced between paragraphs. This could make your writing much clearer.

    5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is to focus on Baekdusan. I suggest removing some lines that are about the events after the hiking. It would be better if you concentrate on the hiking event.

    ReplyDelete
  3. a. I think the vividness of your experience in your writing is a bit low. Most of your writing consists of explaining what activities you did there, but not detailed description about those activities. The part you used direct quotation was vivid, though.

    b. 'Even though 11 hours were too long to seat we were very happy.' - this sentence made me read it twice because I could not get the meaning at the first time. Maybe adding ',but' would help. Also, there suddenly appears a person called 'Mina' in the middle of your writing without further explanation about who she is. It made me a bit confused.

    c. I think your beginning is rather plain. There was nothing made my curious what will come next.

    d. You used past tense, and it seems appropriate, but I think you made some mistakes in some sentences like "It will ate us."

    e. As I mentioned, I want more detailed descriptions about your experiences, and also, it would be good if you mention what you have learned from those experiences.

    Lee Seung-Hwan

    ReplyDelete
  4. a. You wrote the events of the day in sequence, from the beginng to an end, so I can clearly imagine whay kind of day you had.
    b. 'Then we finished the hiking of steps and the show in front of us was Chonjee Lack' -This part was a bit confusing. I think it's better to replace the word 'show' to 'sight'. Also, I'm not familar with 'Chonjee Lack'. I think it might be helpful if you add background information, like what it is known for or what does it look like.
    c. The first paragaph is too short. Instead of describing that day right from the start, why don't you add an introduction, like your general impression of the trip?
    d. verb tense seems fine.
    e. I want to know exactly what the scenery of Beakdoo Mountain was like, and how you felt upon looking at it for the first time. Such detail will add more colour to your writing.

    hope this will help^^
    -Jeong Doyoung

    ReplyDelete
  5. I had a trip when I was the fifth grade primary school student. I remember at that time there a total of 16 people. 12 was the student and the remaining 4 were teacher. Two physical education teachers and two home room teachers.
    We traveled by train for 11 hours, we played card games, ate snacks and told funny stories. When we played card games there happened something interesting. Our physical education teacher was a mischievous person. My friend Mina was sleeping and he was holding a piece of candy. Everyone looked at him strangely. At that time he put the candy thrown into her mouth and said “goal in!!” “Hahahahaha.” Everyone laughed.
    Even though 11 hours were too long to seat, we were very happy. When we arrived our pension we all laid down exhausted. In the early morning next day, we went to the Baekdusan. There was a hot well in the hillside which sold soft boiled eggs and poached corns boiled by the hot well. It was very interesting and many of us bought eggs and corns. It tasted more soft and delicious than we usually eat.
    On the way up the mountain was consist of lots of steps in the stone cavern. We started hiking step by step after ate. The steps were too high to primary students. So we did a match. My classmate Jiho said “The first person who reach to the top is the champion.” Then everyone started running. After a while there appeared a fall. It was wonderful and it was the first time I saw a fall. We all stop running and gaping at the fall. It liked smoke fog rose up slowly and we liked in Wonderland. Everybody took out camera to take pictures with the lovely fall and boast of pictures each other.
    Then we finished the hiking of steps and the show in front of us was Cheonji. The water clear bottomed out and very quiet. We drank the water of the lack, it was so cool and sweet. My teacher pointed the statue and said to us "There is a water monster in Cheonji so people made the statue." "Oh! It will prey on us." said Mina. "Hahahahahaha."
    It was August but there also had snow covered the mountains. It was amazing. We bought many keepsakes for our parents and together the group photo. We were reluctant to down the mountain. After dinner, we played games in the pension and came back next day. It was a still let me unforgettable trip.

    ReplyDelete