A day on a trampoline
Summer vacation had just started. Slouching about the house, my friend Jisu and I was wondering what we could do. My hometown was a small countryside with not much things to do. We could just stay in the house and watch tv while eating crisps or ride a bike like we always did, but we wanted to do something different. Jisu suddenly perked up and said, 'Oh I wish we could go to a theme park, wouldn't that be great?" but I snapped, "Don't make me laugh." Then suddenly I had an idea. " I know a perfect replacement！ Let's trampoline！ " Jisu agreed at once, and we set off.
It was a hot summer's day. The sun was glaring down on us, and I felt like walking across a desert. I was just starting to wonder whether we have made a right decision when we reached our destination. There were no one else playing. We paid 1000won for an hour and we went galloping to trampoline. We bounced up and down. We leaped high in the air, shrieking with laughter all the while. 'This is brilliant！ I am practically flying！' I thought. But slowly the heat was starting to get to me. Our laughter soon faded. I asked, " Is it just me or do you feel awfully hot?" Jisu bellowed while bouncing " I'm sweating all over！" It was such a hot day that hardly anyone appeared in the street but if they did, and saw two girls on a trampoline, they gave a look that said ' how can anyone possibly bounced up and down like that in this weather?" I was sweating like mad and worst of all, I felt sick. I looked around and saw that Jisu looked even worse. She sagged in her spot, her eyes unfocused. "Do you want to go home?"I asked, cause she looked like she wanted that more than anything. "No", came the feeble voice. "We paid for an hour, so we still have half hour left." So we bounced up and down again. It was like being tortured. Finally unable to stand it any longer, I said," I don't care how much time we got left, let's go ". This time she didn't need to be asked twice. "Going already?" the manger called behind us.
Going back home was another matter. The pavement looked so black and fiery , I could swear you could fry a bacon on it. Not even a breeze swept by. Everything seemed to be blazing and sizzling. My legs were shaking and I could not keep my eyes open because of the sun. We bought ice cream on the way to cool off the heat, which somehow made us even thirstier. We staggered the way back home in silence for what seemed like hours. That night I was ill. I felt dizzy and my whole body was drained of energy. Jisu, who was always a bit delicate, texted me saying "I feel like dying."
So much time had passed and we still recall this embarrassing incident. We chortle, "Remember? We must have gone mad！ Just because of 1000won and let ourselves fall in to a disaster！ Honestly, I never felt so hot in all my life. ", "Yeah, if we have spent the whole hour, we would have needed an ambulance to pick us up！" Though there was nothing funny about the incident itself, the bitterness have gone and now amusement have taken its place.
To Jeong Do young, From Kim Sumi
ReplyDeleteHi Do young, I really enjoyed your writing. I liked your vivid expressions, like you were ‘shrieking with laughter’ or the pavement seemed like ‘you could fry a bacon on it’… Many of the words you used were very unique, it was quite fun to read. I think you tried to tell us about your childhood silliness and how you recall it pleasantly despite all the ordeal. Again, it was great!
Hi, Do Young. I have had a similar experience, so I enjoyed your writing much. What I like most about your writing is that you used a lot of adjectives, which made me feel like it happened to me. The sentences like 'Everything seemed to be blazing and sizzling' made it possible to imagine the summer heat that you had. In my opinion, you should fix this sentence, 'Yeah, if we have spent the whole hour, we would have needed an ambulance to pick us up!', for a grammatical mistake.
ReplyDeleteJoonseong Je
To Do Young
ReplyDeleteYour essay seems to be focused on the experience you had when you were on the trampoline with your friend on a hot summer's day. I liked how you recalled your childhood experiences with a lot of detail and characteristics. The part when you were going back home was the funniest part that was most detailed. However, the part where you said " Just because of 1000won and let ourselves fall in to a disaster！" wasn't very clear to me. I think it may be because of the phrasing, or perhaps because I didn't understand what you were trying to say. Maybe you could change the 'and' to 'we' instead. I think that was the only part that stuck out. Otherwise, great job on the essay! :)
Young-Lee Seo
I could not stop smiling while reading your writing. You wrote about your exprience on a hot summer day that you can happily recall now. I really enjoyed your writing because there are many quatations and realistic expressions that make readers get absorbed into your writing. Especially I love the sentence "No", came e the feeble voice. "We paid for an hour, so we still have half hour left." because your friend's feeble voice and her reaction is so contrasting. Your dynamic expressions were really great but if you add those points to the introduction it wil be more attractive writing!
ReplyDeleteBy Ju Yelam
To Do young From Jina Park
ReplyDelete1. What was one detail that made this experience seem real to me?
The sun was glaring down on yours, and you felt like walking across a desert, this sentence made your experience seems real to me.
2.Were there any places where you got confused? If so, where were they?
No, there have not.
3.Reread the first pararaph of the essay. Do you think this is a good beginning? Does it make you feel like reading on?
I think the beginning could be OK. I think you can say it's summer there are many people around you enjoy their vocation. It makes you feel your vocation is more boring. So you got to find your friend Jisu and you guys discuss about where you can go.
4.What basic verb tense does the writer use? If the writer changes tense, is the tense change appropriate?
I think maybe it can not be changed.
5.What would you like to know more aout when the writer revises?
I would like to know have you bought drinks when you back to home or have you gone there again?
A day on a trampoline
ReplyDeleteSummer vacation had just started. Slouching about the house, my friend Jisu and I was wondering what we could do. My hometown was a small countryside with not much things to do. We could just stay in the house and watch tv while eating crisps or ride a bike like we always did, but for some reason we wanted to do something different. Jisu suddenly perked up and said, 'Oh I wish we could go to a theme park, wouldn't that be great?" but I snapped, "Don't make me laugh." Then suddenly I had an idea. " I know a perfect replacement！ Let's trampoline！ " Jisu agreed at once, and we set off.
It was a hot summer's day. The sun was glaring down on us, and I felt like walking across a desert. I was just starting to wonder whether we have made a right decision when we reached our destination. There were no one else playing. We paid 1000won for an hour and then we galloped toward trampoline. We hopped and pranced about wildly like a monkey. We leaped high in the air like a bird, shrieking with laughter all the while. This is brilliant！ I am practically flying！ I thought. But slowly the heat was starting to get to me. Our laughter soon faded. I asked, " Is it just me or do you feel awfully hot?" Jisu bellowed while bouncing " I'm sweating all over！" It was such a hot day that hardly anyone appeared in the street but if they did, and saw two girls on a trampoline, they gave a look that said, how can anyone possibly bounce up and down like that in this weather? I was sweating like mad and worst of all, I felt sick. I looked around and saw Jisu looked even worse. She sagged in her spot, her eyes unfocused. "Do you want to go home?"I asked, cause she looked like she wanted that more than anything. "No", came the feeble voice. "We paid for an hour, so we still have half hour left." So we bounced up and down again. It was like being tortured. This is getting stupid, I thought. Finally unable to stand it any longer, I said," I don't care how much time we got left, let's go." This time she didn't need to be asked twice. "Going already?" the manager called behind us.
Going back home was another matter. The pavement looked so black and fiery , I could swear it was enough to fry bacon on it. Not even a breeze swept by. Everything seemed to be blazing and sizzling. My legs were shaking and I could not keep my eyes open because of the sun. We bought ice cream on the way to cool off the heat, which somehow made us even thirstier. We staggered the way home in silence for what seemed like hours. That night I was ill. I felt dizzy and my whole body was drained of energy. Jisu, who was always a bit delicate, texted me saying "I feel like dying."
I didn't think we would ever dare trampoline again. But being carefree 11-year-olds, we did. In much cautious manner, of course. That does not mean we have forgotten, though. So much time has passed and we still recall this embarrassing incident. We chortle, "Remember? We must have gone mad！ What did we do that for? Honestly, I had never felt so hot in all my life. ", "Yeah, if we had kept on bouncing for a whole hour, we would have needed an ambulance to pick us up！" Though there was nothing funny about the incident itself, the bitterness has gone and now amusement has taken its place.
- Jeong Doyoung